The Power of Asking Why: Understanding Behaviors Beyond the Surface
In the early days of my daughter’s autism diagnosis (and even before), there were so many moments that made me wonder what was going on. But life was busy, and I didn’t stop to question them. Looking back, I now recognize the signs that could have led to an earlier diagnosis.
One Sunday, we had an interaction that still stands out. She was in her room studying for a test—except her bed was buried under a mountain of clothes. She was spiraling, yelling, and crying. Naturally, I yelled back. Good job, Mom!
I tried folding her clothes, but I wasn’t doing it right. Frustrated, I walked away to collect myself. After a while, I did the only thing I knew would help—I told her to put her shoes on, and we went for a long drive.
In the car, I finally remembered the power of asking why. I waited for her response. She was panicking because she didn’t know how to study. Good grades are part of her masking—her way of blending in, gaining approval, and feeling less different from her peers.
Now, I had an answer. Now, I could help.
No matter what’s going on with your child, stopping to ask why is key to understanding. It’s not always easy in the moment, but over time, recognizing these patterns helps you catch situations before they escalate.
You can use why with any child of any age and any level of communication. Get creative. Be patient. Sometimes, they don’t know what’s upsetting them, and that’s okay. Give it time—the answers will come.
One book that helped me see things differently is Uniquely Human: A Different Way of Seeing Autism by Barry M. Prizant, PhD. It’s an easy, approachable read, and my copy is covered in sticky notes with all the useful insights. I highly recommend it!
